AUBREY'S POST
Recently I have felt a prompting to focus on the nature of God. I don't think it's coincidental at all that when I focus in on something, it's as though my senses become heightened to that one object or concept and I begin to see patterns and deeper connections that I previously passed by or overlooked. It starts to pop up in sermons, Bible study, songs, and conversation with friends - like pieces to a puzzle. That's when I know that I need to listen to the message and I get excited about how things begin to fit together.
I've had some disappointment and heartache this year. Kind of a string of disappointments, one after another. Every year has its ups and downs, but this one in particular has had one big bump after another. I don't know about you, but I discovered that I can only get knocked down so many times before I get really wary about getting back on my feet. That's when the doubt starts to creep in. I start to think negatively and begin to look for the next thing that's going to go wrong. I question what I am doing to possibly cause these things. And then there's the usual, "Why me?"
There hasn't been anger at God. Just confusion. I thought that my prayers and plans were normal and appropriate. I thought my dreams and expectations were going to come to pass. But God shut doors or detoured my path time and time again. In my confusion I have come to some realizations. There's been an awful lot of focus on me in those plans, prayers, dreams, and expectations. And while what I hoped for wasn't necessarily wrong, they were my plans, dreams, etc. During one especially disappointing day, I caught myself repeating over and over, "Is this about me?" and then everything was quiet and I felt God's very real response - "This is about me."
A friend recently introduced me to the singer/songwriter Laura Story. I listened to her testimony on YouTube and was struck by a few lines in her amazing song Blessings. She talks about trying to reconcile her knowledge that God is completely powerful and completely loving but He hasn't healed her husband who is still suffering from the effects of a brain tumor. Laura sings about how we pray for blessings that we think are good and appropriate, like prosperity, health, etc. but sometimes God gives us what we need and not what we want. He doesn't cause the trial, the pain, the hurt. This world, this life does. But He doesn't necessarily wipe it away. She says she is learning that perhaps sometimes He lets us stay broken (even uncomfortably) in order for His light to shine out of all the cracks inside of us. She talks about a blessedness that comes in waiting on the Lord and a deeper intimacy with Him that comes when we walk through a dark valley. There is a reliance on God's word that we only know when everything else fades away. Even though things aren't unfolding the way we thought or desired, we are still receiving His blessings, His love, His peace. She sings about deep thirst and aches that the world doesn't satisfy and how these are longings that remind us that this world isn't our home. Whew! Powerful stuff! Definitely convicting stuff.
That immediately takes my focus off myself and instead puts it on God's plan for me and ultimately His purposes and glory. When I feel as though I can't see or feel Him and I am absolutely unclear about how to proceed, I focus in on the nature of God. I counteract those doubts with what I know to be true about Him. I know that I'm a child of God. I know He loves me with a deep and everlasting love. I know that while He may not eliminate the pain or the trials that this world throws my way, He will walk with me. He is the giver of perfect peace. He is the provider of grace for each day. It's then that I start to see the blessings He is pouring out. It's then I begin to feel excitement about His plans. If my plans (which I thought were pretty good!) aren't going to come to pass, what does He have in mind? If His will involves a "waiting time", what does He desire of me in this delay? These things are easy to pray and much harder to accept and actually live out. I am prompted to pray that I will not only be open to His plans for me, but that I will have His strength to walk along the path where He leads.
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